Parenting In Community

Parenting is exhausting.

Even on happy, perfectly easy days (do those actually exist?), parenting requires a constant balance of patience, emotional investment, personal attention, and skilled multi-tasking. One family member's imbalance can throw off the rhythm of the entire group, and even expert calm-in-spite-of-chaos parents have to think quickly in order to recover. Parents need to be the most creative, resourceful problem-solvers on the block.

Last week, I wanted to take some pictures with my daughters and friends at the iconic Sculpture Garden. I don't think it's entirely unusual that my girls, who are usually quite lovely little people, suddenly turn into crabby monsters at the idea of a posed snapshot. That camera comes out and my almost-5-year-old only has 2 faces: wild tongue or pronounced pout. This is, of course, dependent on whether she is actually standing in the frame with the rest of us.

Kids are professionals at knowing the best place and time to push their parents' buttons, and being in public during a planned event is a premium choice. With other people around, the parent is hard-pressed to lose her cool and draw the critical stares of onlookers, but she is also unable to exercise any real consequences for misbehavior. Instead, the parent internally boils until safely in the privacy of the family car, when hell is unleashed and the rest of the day is successfully ruined.

But this day, I was able to be a smart  - dare I even say humorous - parent.

My teaching moment with the pout-face

I quietly took my older daughter aside and said, "Honey, I am very sad that you are choosing to misbehave and not cooperate for these pictures. I can't really think of a consequence for you right now, but you are really draining my energy. When we get home, you can work hard to help get my energy back, but don't worry about what that will be right now. You can do whatever you want the rest of our time here and when we get home, we'll figure out how you can get my energy back."

Then I moved on with my afternoon and the rest of our picture-taking. My friends and I laughed and sat amazed at a couple who refused to move off of a sculpture while we stared at them for a good 15 minutes (wasn't it obvious that we were trying to take pictures?!? what happened to social etiquette?). My daughter, on the other hand, could not move on. From that moment, through the entire car ride home, and our first minutes back in the house, she was worrying. Instead of misbehaving, she was fretting about how she was going to restore my energy.

One of my friends drove with us, and she participated in the fun.

5 year old: mom, I am really sorry that I was misbehaving. I just don't know how I'm going to get your energy back!

Me: would you like some ideas? you could clean your room -

daughter: oh nooooooooo!

Me: you could vacuum -

daughter: can I clean the bathroom?

Me: no, you did that yesterday.

My Friend: maybe you could scrub the floors.

daughter: oh, yes! I think I could scrub...maybe just the kitchen floor?

Me: well, my energy is really drained. I think if you want to make sure to get all my energy back, you might need to scrub all the floors. {my friend and I silently giggle}

and so it went...

The point of this story is not to show what a brilliant mom I was in that parenting moment. In fact, just the opposite. As I am learning to lean more into community, I am realizing that inviting others into my mess can be a blessing. Because my friends were with me that day, I was able to get outside of myself and realize that my day didn't have to be ruined just because my kid was being a brat. Rather than blow up at my daughter (the temptation was certainly there), I could take a breath, come up with a temporary solution, and continue to enjoy my visit with my friends. The car ride was just icing on the cake, as my friend got involved in the problem-solving of restoring my energy.

I could have chosen to have been embarrassed that my child was misbehaving during an outing with others. I could have spent my time apologizing to my friends and trying to cajole my daughter into smiling for pictures. I could have wasted my energy worrying about what my friends thought or feeling disappointed that the pictures weren't "perfect."

But the blessing of community, in that moment, allowed me to allow my daughter to just be a normal rebellious kid. And I got to be the calm, cool, and collected mom who had fun anyway (and got my kitchen floor scrubbed out of the deal). I'd like to hope that my friends got something out of that time, too.  

One of our (many) not-so-perfect pictures

Love My Girls

I am under no illusion that my children are perfect. FAR from it! They whine when they want something, use fake tears to get my attention, and spill liquids on my technology. They are selfish and sometimes rude. They have bad moods and meltdowns and just plain rotten days.

But I am still astonished at so many of their wonderful qualities, for which I can claim (almost) no credit. And I especially love some of their similarities. So permit me a moment to brag about my daughters...

My girls have gorgeous smiles and infectious laughs. I'm pretty sure every kid, when she gives that smile of pure delight, is just perfectly beautiful. So this is not original, but it still melts my heart when I see those little girls flash their joy around. And since I have a terrible sense of humor, I am surprised every time they burst into laughter (which is alot when they are together). The happiness of a child is one of life's best gifts.

My girls love social gatherings. Although both are slightly shy in new situations, they truly adore meeting new people and engaging with them - especially in public places like grocery stores and parks. This is particularly helpful for us as a family, given that we are in the 'business' of constantly developing new relationships. And it has definitely encouraged my efforts at being more hospitable.

They pay attention. Kids learn by observation and they are always soaking in the world around them! My little one is in the "great explorer" stage and nothing gets past her, but my older daughter is still incredibly observant. Both of them help me slow down and pay attention to life. They're also very intent on understanding the long answers we give to their thoughtful questions and to receiving any instruction we give when they are misbehaving!

They adore each other. I know sisters go through stages of love and hate, and I cannot predict the future. But right now, I am simply smitten with the ways my girls interact. Of course the younger follows the older around and tries to imitate everything, and they consistently share toys well, fall into giggling fits, and find creative ways to play together. I pray that their current joy runs deep, wide, and long through life. 

Have you spent time with my girls? What do you love about them?

I'm Still Learning: Hospitality

I grew up in a large Greek-Italian family. Among many other distinguishing factors, such as being loud and passionate, this involved a lot of eating. Our table was always full of food, and it seemed that our door was always open to whoever happened to stop by. Amidst the plethora of extracurricular activities for us 5 kids, our family ate dinner together most nights every week.

I treasure the family meal and am so grateful that, for the better part of the last 13 years, my in-laws have hosted dinner every Sunday evening. Our ministry schedule has often made our own family dinners a little difficult to navigate, but I am constantly searching for ways to make our mealtimes meaningful and fun.

Somehow, though, this joy of eating together as a family has not translated well into my church community. When we lived in an apartment, I said, "when we have a house, we'll have people over more." And then we bought a house. And I said, "when we're done with house projects (HA HA), we'll have people over more." And then we had kids, and I said, "when our kids are older, we'll have people over more."

You noticed the trend?

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit has convicted me in this area (more than once). Over the last five years, I've taken mental notes when I visit with people who are gifted with hospitality. I asked a few of them to give me their notes on how to do this well. And then, I just started doing it more. Most of my life learning has been trial-by-fire, so why approach hospitality any differently, right?

Here are a few lessons I've gratefully learned:   
 
Offer What I Have. Skilled hostesses seem to have many food options on hand at all times, but novices like me are learning to become comfortable just offering whatever is in my house. This relates to considering everything I have as belonging to everyone else, so if leftover mac'n'cheese is what's in the fridge, then our guests will be invited to it.

An unexpected blessing to this, though, has been that I think more about our communal family when I go grocery shopping. I check our pantry for snack supplies and buy a little extra of sale items so that the kitchen isn't completely empty if we spontaneously enjoy company. If I want to develop daily community, then I would like to be prepared to serve them well!

Involve My Kids. Hosting is a family affair! Young children can learn to greet guests warmly and thank them for coming to our home. My older daughter finds joy in setting the table for friends and offering available drinks. I often meet with women throughout the week for discipleship or prayer, and my girls are usually part of that time in some way.

I love seeing how my children are affected by regular community. Their definition of family expands beyond those in our immediate household. They experience the Holy Spirit's presence in people other than their parents. And they learn generosity, as they, too, share their space and possessions.

Love Covers a Multitude of Messes.
I used to believe that my home needed to look like a Martha Stewart magazine before I could successfully have people over. Obviously, a clean house provides a good welcome, but if I want my church to be my family, then I have to be comfortable hosting in my flawed everyday mess.

I've realized that the state of my heart sets the tone of our home far more than the condition of our floors or the mismatched placemats on the table. I am working to have a sense of orderliness from day to day, but, more importantly, I try to say a prayer before anyone comes to our door, so that they are welcomed in the Spirit, rather than my flesh. 

My small faith has been stretched as I step out in these little ways to cultivate community and learn hospitality. But I'm still learning! What tips or encouragement can you share with me?

I'm Still Learning: Community

We, as a culture, are decidedly terrible at engaging people in meaningful conversations that require us to listen to one another - the deep, heart-level type listening. In fact, we barely know how to ask the right questions in order to get the kind of answers that reveal any truth about a person's real emotional (spiritual, mental) state. This problem is compounded by our crisis of individualism, in which we often don't want to hear all these intimate answers because then we might have to respond to one another.

While I can understand this lifestyle in non-Christians, I believe it is anathema to the life of the church. As a family, we are called to enter in to each other's sorrows and joys, to encourage and serve one another. This requires us to be both vulnerable in sharing our true selves and generous in caring for others. This is HARD WORK. It means facing the fear of showing our flaws to someone else and confronting our selfishness in not wanting to give what little we think we have [of time, energy, resources] away for someone else's good.

In my last post, I raised 20 questions that I wish the church asked one another more often. But because of the depth of conversation such questions would engage, I believe they raise an even more challenging issue for us: creating the communal space for heart conversations to happen.

"Community" has long been a buzz-word in Christian circles, so I doubt I will add much to the discussion here. We know that we were "made for community", from the communal nature of the Trinity, to the creation of both man and woman so that neither would be alone. Our identity in Christ brings us into a spiritual family; we are each a living stone being built into a spiritual house. But despite what I have known (in my head) about my call to community, I confess that I've been quite negligent about putting it into practice. As I've been preparing to live missionally in New York City, I have been asking the Holy Spirit to teach me more about his design for community and help my weaknesses in this area. And he has been faithful to encourage me!

Community requires daily pursuit. The King of heaven willingly relinquished his throne and the privileges of his deity to come to me. As he walked among us, he invited crowds of people to listen to him and shared the message of truth with all of them. Yet, he only called 12 men to participate in his daily life. As a pastor's wife, I often feel that I need to pursue every woman in the church. I can easily fill my time meeting with one new person after another. But, if that is all I ever did, I could never cultivate deep community with any of them. I am able to discuss heart issues in the one meeting we have, but because I don't have the time to develop ongoing relationships, I fail to enjoy the blessing of intimate community. I know that I don't have the ability to actively pursue 12 women right now, but the Holy Spirit has helped me identify 4 that I have a desire to know and to love on a daily basis. This is where technology has been a blessing, as I can FaceTime, text, call, or email these women nearly every day, just to check in, be mutually encouraged, and say a prayer for what is happening for them in that moment. Then, when we are able to be together, our lives are quickly opened to one another because we have known each other in the moments between our meetings.

This may seem obvious to some of you (especially you extroverts!) but this is a new realm of friendship for me and I am daily learning how easy it is to open myself up to these few women in order to experience greater depth in our relationships. I am taking the exhortation in Hebrews to heart, exhorting others every day so that none of us may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin, and considering how to stir up one another to love and good works.

Community requires generosity. One of my favorite verses is Romans 8:32 - He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? And again, in Ephesians (my favorite book), Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. If it is true that now that I am in Christ, if my life does not belong to me, but to him, then everything I have is not my own. It's fairly easy for me to live this out with my talents, believing that any spiritual gift I have is for the good of others, but it is much more difficult for me to give away my time, my energy, and my resources. Yet, again, as I invite the Holy Spirit into my weakness here, he has given me grace to see the opportunities to share what he's given to me with others (especially those 4 ladies). 

What freedom I'm discovering in this! I am still training my mind to consider everything I have as belonging to someone else (considering others' needs as the same or greater than my own), but each time I step out in faith here, I feel immeasurably blessed! This has looked like inviting more people into our home, adapting my time when I see an opportunity to share it with someone else, and giving away more of our stuff than might be comfortable. Simple, small steps that are making huge changes in my heart.

What about you? What have you learned or are being challenged with concerning community? How do you cultivate deep community?

Twenty Questions

Missionaries, church planters, and anyone who is being sent from one community to another, all reach a point in their journeys when the people around them reduce conversations to about three questions:

1. when are you leaving?
2. do you have a place to live yet?
3. are you feeling excited?

While these questions are well-meaning and express interest, the missionary soon begins to feel like a pregnant woman. Because she is 'pregnant' with preparations for her new work, it seems like who she is has been overshadowed by where she's headed. The present state of her heart and life practically disappear from interest and she can often feel lonely, even as people constantly ask the same questions in an attempt to engage her.

If you know anyone in this situation, or anyone who's returned from the mission field, or anyone on the mission field, or anyone who's actually pregnant, or who's just had a baby, or is about to start a new job, or is unemployed, someone who's been working the same job forever or who just moved...well, actually, if you are involved in community with anyone, in any way, then I challenge you to avoid asking the obvious questions and consider pulling one of these 20 questions out of your pocket the next time you connect.  

The challenge, of course, is not just asking the question but also being prepared to respond generously to what you hear.  

1. How is your marriage?
2. How have you been encouraged lately?
3. What are you reading?
4. What do you find yourself worrying about?
5. What has God been teaching you recently?
6. What are you most looking forward to?
7. How are you balancing your time right now?
8. What's bringing you joy?
9. How can I pray for you?
10. What does rest look like for you?
11. How have you changed in the last year or two?
12. How do you feel about that change?
13. What do you sense God wants to work in you in this next season?
14. Who have you been sharing the gospel with lately?
15. In what areas are you feeling discouraged or challenged?
16. Who is God calling you to serve right now?
17. What are you thankful for?
18. What truths about God are you struggling to believe and put into practice?
19. What do you want from God today?
20. How can I help you?

What are your go-to conversation starters?
Why do you think we so easily rest on the obvious (more superficial) questions? 

Sex and (the children of) The City

Have you ever felt like God was chasing you down about something?

Other than the fact that he is obviously sending us to Brooklyn, God has also been pressing a new issue on my heart. I'm not sure how it started, but about a year ago, I suddenly had this deep concern for the young women around the world who are victims of sex trafficking. This is certainly not a new issue (unfortunately). But, like most things that don't affect my daily life, I hadn't given it a whole lot of thought before.

Until suddenly it was on my mind. Alot.

So I started asking God what that meant. And he started showing me how much these women mean to him.

He provided an opportunity for a blogger I follow to witness an international rescue mission firsthand and challenged me, through her, to respond.

I found an organization in New York City that provides safe houses and restorative assistance to former sex slaves.

A friend recently blogged about his own failed attempt to intervene right here in Minneapolis.

And then, today, I was moved by what this crazy guy is doing to redeem 50 young women in Ethiopia. (Please check out his post and consider joining his effort).

All of these messages are conspiring to keep this crisis at the forefront of my mind, and I admit that I've begun dreaming about a specific way that I can get involved. It's a BIG dream, that will take years to realize, and I haven't even spoken it out loud yet. But I had to name this issue in this space. I have to ask you to consider if there is something that you can do and ask for your prayers as I keep seeking God's purposes for me.

What about you? Did you respond to any of the links I gave above?
Do you have other resources, organizations, or stories about sex trafficking that you can share?

Reality Sets In

My obsession with Resource Furniture must now come to an end.

Last week, I finally bit the bullet and contacted this incredible furniture dealer.

August 2, 2013

Hi, _________. 

I have a problem.

I am addicted to your website. 

I lust over the space-saving tables.

I might be in love with the queen-bed space savers. 

I can't count the number of times I've watched this video.

I've even broadcast my addiction on my blog.

I've been afraid to admit my problem to you because that might inspire you to send me actual prices for these tempting pieces and frankly, seeing amounts larger than 3 months' salary will dash all my hopes of actually consummating a relationship with my dream furniture. 

However, I think I need you to crush my fantasies. I can't continue on like this, staying up late at night drooling over the bookseat and the Lollipop bunk bed. So will you put me out of my misery and let me know how amazingly unable I am to purchase The Goliath, the Lollipop, and the Swing queen bed?

I am also willing to offer ways I can work off these prices. Do you need a dish washer? Someone to stand on the street and drag people into your store? Do you offer artist discounts? clergy discounts?  

 

thank you for helping me move on. have a wonderful weekend!

Nicole

Today, all of my hopes and dreams were finally dashed to pieces when a kind employee replied.

Hi Nicole,

Thanks for your email! We always love when our products have such an extreme effect  on someone!

The Goliath ranges from $3,995-$5,995 depending on the finish you select. It is available in wood, open pore lacquer, closed pore lacquer and glass. Starting prices are for the Goliath in wood and the top range is for glass version.

The bunk beds start at $6,600 and go up to $10,000. There are many finish options, all of which effect price. Starting price is for the system in melamine, then matte lacquers (over 25 options) and then multi-color lacquer panels and other serigraphic motifs. Mattresses are custom sized for all our systems, ranging from $500-$950. The starting price of $6,600 does include the mattresses since this is our special package from this system.

The Swing system is available in a two seat version as well as the three seat sliding chaise that is shown on the web site. The range is quite wide due to the two sofa options, from $9,500-$19,000. The same finishes are available for all of our systems. The mattresses range from $1,250-$1,950 and are typically sold separately because there are six options to choose from.

We deliver and install in the NYC metro area. The goliath has a delivery fee of $550 and the beds have a starting price of $950 to deliver and install. There is additional costs for walk-ups.

We do offer a 10% trade discount, but the designer must be the point of contact and source of any designing involved.

I wish we had a kitchen! We all joke that as soon as we get a bathroom equipped with a shower and a kitchen(ette) we will all soon be living in the showroom…or take turn living in the showroom.

So, let me know if you have further questions. You should also come into the showroom as nothing compares to seeing these in person.

Please let me know how I may assist you further.

Best,

Mariel

So there you have it, folks. If any of you want to help finance ONLY my dream table (which I will keep forever and ever and consider having your name engraved on it), I just need a check for $4545 (if you want to help with delivery charges). If you'd like a super-sweet bed to sleep on when you visit, consider donating $12,000 to that cause.

Or we can go visit the showroom together when you're here and we'll drool on all the furniture that we can't afford.