8.6.2009 Not Good Enough

Some days, I just really don't like myself.  Considering that I normally have a very healthy ego, it's good for me to indulge in a little self-loathing once in awhile.  The problem is, I apparently don't feel strongly enough about my weaknesses to actually do something about it - as in, change.

I'm lazy, selfish, unmotivated, and don't put forth any more effort than I need to.  This is perpetuated by the fact that my meager, "just good enough" efforts tend to produce better-than-average results so most people don't notice how little I try, and I have no incentive to try harder.  I'm not a people-pleaser so I don't even have the fear of disappointing someone to spur me into greatness.  This is pathetic.

My parents did a fantastic job of accepting each of their 5 children for who we are and not expecting us to imitate one another.  So, for example, when my siblings studied hard to achieve average GPAs, my parents encouraged them that they "did their best."  I, on the other hand, never had to work to be a straight-A student (except for that D i got in Advanced Calculus....which I actually did have to work for).  Shouldn't there have been some kind of "you're-not-living-up-to-your-potential"

consequence for me?  Just because I received "A+" grades didn't mean I was achieving what I could, and I wonder if I would be a different person if my laziness had produced a more negative outcome.

I have wondered this about everything I've done my entire life.  I don't feel like I've worked hard at anything, and yet, I've been blessed with so many talents and achievements in spite of myself.  If my lack of discipline were more obvious - if I was irresponsible with tasks entrusted to me, if projects I completed were less successful, if things simply didn't get done when assigned to me - then, I assume, all sorts of people would be exhorting me to get it together.  Do I need that admonishment any less just because I'm able to exert so much less energy to achieve what's asked of me? 

I believe, as a Christ-follower, that I'm called to "discipline myself for the purpose of godliness."  I believe that I need to "make the most of my time, for the days are evil."  I need to fight every temptation to be lazy about life!  And on top of this, I have to fight my perpetual state of boredom.  I crave change so much that it is difficult to be satisfied in each moment.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?

I mean that in a good, soul-searching kind of way.  Am I letting my gifts go to waste because I can and no one knows otherwise?  Am I unmotivated to work hard because I appear to be accomplishing so much?  Most importantly, am I missing out on greatness because I'm satisfied with being 'good enough'?  

Pray for me!  And give me a swift kick in the pants.  PLEASE.