Saturday, October 8, 2011

02.26.11 Regrets

I am an intentional person.  For as long as I can remember, I have been deliberate in my choices, weighing the risks and choosing to accept its consequences.  I'm the kind of person that, no matter how angry I am at my husband, I won't smash his guitar because even at the height of my rage I am thinking, "we don't have the money to replace this."  I have very few regrets.

Which makes today's meme particularly difficult for me.  In fact, I have been thinking about today's post since I decided to start this mini-series, and, I have to admit, I really had to search the bowels of my memory to find six things I wish I'd never done (some came very easily; it was reaching the magic number of 6 that proved time consuming).  All six things that I found in those closed corners of my mind are either still unresolved or took a significant enough time to smooth out that I was deeply affected by them at the time. 

Thank God that I am at peace with most of my 31 years of life.  And by God's mercy, even these six things will not leave permanent damage.  But with that said, I wish that I had never -
  1. Blown up at my friend ______.  I am not a great friend by any means but I have never, ever, in my entire life had a fight with a friend of mine. By some miracle, I have always held my tongue or let go of issues or simply just not ever been upset enough to cause a falling out with a friend.  Until last August.  I can blame the circumstances, personal stress, and some unresolved bitterness that I had held onto for too long, but the fact is, I spoke (read: shouted) to my friend in a completely unkind, unhealthy, flat-out disrespectful manner.  I was truly awful.  Ugly, in fact.  And this has affected our friendship in a way that I hope is not irreparable but which still haunts my heart a little.  
  2. Told my husband that I hated him, thought he was a failure, and wished I'd never married him.  It's no secret that the first four years of my marriage were HELL, but it's no excuse for the many times I said any of the words resembling hate, unfair judgment, and regret.  I drove Michael to some pretty dark places and only the Spirit of God saved him from despair.  
  3. Dated Weston.  I ruined our friendship by crossing that line (and I was definitely the one who pushed that boundary).  Of course, a year after I was his messed up girlfriend, I became the crazy born-again Christian, so I always felt like I just went all wacko on the guy who was one of my few very good college friends.  
  4. Kept silent about my concerns regarding HFive years ago, the church we were a part of had to release one of our pastors from ministry.  I was intimately involved in this decision, for a variety of reasons, but I was also one of the closest friends to him and his wife.  Because of my long friendship with them, and my partnership with him in ministry (I was on staff at the church for 3 years), I had suspected some of the very issues that led to his termination.  It is hard not to wonder what might have happened had I confronted him, or spoken to our other pastors/elders, during that time.  Ministry relationships can walk a tense gray line sometimes and there are no easy answers to the issues we work out together.       
  5. Had sex before I was married.  I don't know why I was so sensitive to sex when I wasn't a Christian, but when my first college boyfriend and I entered that level of intimacy, a part of me died inside.  And not just because I got HPV and had to deal with my parents calling me a slut (and telling my siblings).  I know that this also played a part in the early pain of my marriage.  God has totally restored me in this area and given me some great wisdom to share with young women, but my current peace definitely came out of a wrong choice.  
  6. ______________________.  This is an unnamed regret that I have never spoken about to anyone, including my husband.  I actually carry a measure of shame and fear related to this experience but I feel like I need to speak to the other person involved before I can talk about it with anyone else.  I don't know when this will happen, so you can pray for me here.
Some happier topics coming up:
  • Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
  • Day Seven: Four things I want in a romantic partner.
  • Day Eight: Three of my favorite possessions.
  • Day Nine: Two images that describe my life or myself right now.
  • Day Ten: One confession.

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